You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
You Might Also Like
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT