@Michael1979: OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
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@TheCiscoKidder: Cop: Why did you burn that building down? Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing. Cop: You're free to go.
@rose24_em: He whispered in my ear that he liked being called daddy. I whispered back that I liked being called a cab.