My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
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90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.