OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
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One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*