OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
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Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
“OMGJK” -atheists
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10