omg leave her alone
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Brands during Pride
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.