Omg like wtf
-me, praying
You Might Also Like
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Oh deer
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
there has never been a better use of this meme
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
looks legit
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.