OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.