OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
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I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?