@2tickytacky: OMG. My wife's boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
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@EndhooS: Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water Me: Oh god... Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now? Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN'T SWIM
@Dr_awfulpants: [Water cooler] -Looks like you had a wild weekend! How'd you get the scratches? *flash back to me bathing my cat* -Uh, this chick bro. Yeah.
@therealeatwood: [Ouija Board] Me: Spirit, answer this one question—do you like me? Board: R E A D 1 2 : 3 7 P M
@ArfMeasures: GF: Look, I'm just gonna say it...I can't see you anymore ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome