hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
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I think this cat is broken
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun