there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
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Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
hey, alexa
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
My neck my back my allergy attack
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave