Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
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[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Brb my Sims are getting married
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.