OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
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I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!