Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
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It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …