“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
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If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”