Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
You Might Also Like
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers