“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
You Might Also Like
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends