“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
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I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.