[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
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I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”