At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
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I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
jesus christ confetti not now
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no