I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
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Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
A wise man once said nothing.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week