OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
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I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
the noise i just made
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.