OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
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I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
A choir of Spring onions
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table