OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
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Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone