OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
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There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people