Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
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Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Camping tip: No.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?