Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
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When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
awkward
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge