I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
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I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever