I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
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I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms