[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
You Might Also Like
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
any last words?
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
For those that worship cheese..
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers