[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
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Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying