@david8hughes: Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle? Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn't cheap tho

@GodlessUtopia: "I'm not usually religious, but..." - Dan Mintz #LGBT #gayrights #equality #atheist #ReligiousFreedom . .

@mrtruthandsoul: I'm always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

@TheRealNickKay: WIFE: I can't believe you ruined my birthday yesterday ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn't even know it was your birthday

@Floatersfinest: I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks 'This is WAY cheaper than Asylums'