On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
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Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown