@trentistweeting: ok boss, i duck taped the hostage's mouth shut "you mean duct taped, right?" um... *cuts to hostage with live mallard stuffed in his mouth*

@ArfMeasures: GF: I'm leaving with the kids if you don't stop pretending our house is a hospital ME: That'll be great, we really need the beds

@SummerRay: Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I'm crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I'm listening to the Lion King soundtrack

@leechee420: Listen google, it's 2015. I need you to figure out who I'm talking about when I type "that one guy in that movie I didn't like."

@jonnysun: *hears a sound* haha lol wat if its a ghost *5 hours later* wwhat if it was a ghost