*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
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Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot