On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
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lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.