[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
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A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
How actors in movies eat their food
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard