[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
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“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.