[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
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How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.