My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
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“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.