My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
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ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.