When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
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LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Its true…
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.