[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
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[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
What number SPF blocks people?
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.