[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
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Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.