If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
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I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
$4 #usedbooks
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one