[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
You Might Also Like
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
My therapist after every session
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?