[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
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Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May