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Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
i hate you platonically
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better