2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
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I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}