[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
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You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
What a kind woman! 😂😂
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it