I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
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In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!