I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
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If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.