In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
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Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
🤭😂
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?